A couple of weeks ago, I started writing #morningpages, a ritual suggested in the book, The Artist's Way by Julia Cameron and recommended to me by a dear friend and colleague. I had no plans to ever re-read let alone publish these journaling pages and yet, here I am. I have read this particular entry written on Thursday, July 30th many times and am called to share it here, unedited and raw. It's a peak inside at how we all are creative, resourceful, and whole and we have the power to provide the answers we need in order to move toward a life we desire.
#morningpages July 30, 2020
Self Compassion. This week has rocked me. From anger to guilt & shame. From pride to feeling like a failure. All in the matter of a few days, a few hours, a few moments. What is it I need to learn here? What is the pattern the universe is trying to show me? Maybe it's something about tying my worth to others perceptions of me. I've always been like that -- if people don't like me or something I've said or done, instead of simply hearing the thoughts and letting them go, learning and moving on, I become attached and find it difficult to simply let go. It seems to only be the case when I feel like I've failed. It's particularly painful when I have felt a sense of pride for something I've created and then I allow others to tear it down. It's demoralizing. It's degrading. I wonder, or rather, question my ability to know when my work is good and when it isn't. I start to question everything about myself and imposter syndrome takes over. It's so strong that today, I took a mental health day off from work. It is necessary so I can reflect, find self-love, self-compassion. So that I can recharge and show up stronger tomorrow. And so today, I will spend my thoughts on creating space to be kind and gracious to myself and others. Realizing that others perceptions of me may be reflections of their own thoughts or for me to understand that their intention may be to help me grow -- something I deeply value. What others might not realize is that I am weighted by an insurmountable feeling of pressure within many areas of my life. Perhaps I might find grace for for them in a knowing they don't have insight to the pressures in my life and have no malice intent.
I do not cure cancer. However, I do put forth actions to change the world. I am a world changer and with that comes resistance and learning. I need to remember this as to not get bogged down with the hurt. Where does this come from? Is this a symptom of an abusive childhood? Is this something my generation is dealing with? Or is this an energy from my ancestors I carry from hundreds of years of misogyny and patriarchal bullshit? Maybe it's all three. And the struggle is particularly strong in me as I fight to change it -- not rewrite, but author the story on how I choose to be. I have enough stars in my eyes and grit in my heart to live the life I want. No narcissistic father and co-dependent, emotionally unavailable mother, or patriarchy can take that from me. I Choose. I am Strong. I am Brave. I am Resilient.
Fuck you [inner critic yet to be named].
I am a World Changer.
I choose Love & Compassion.
I choose Justice.
I choose Freedom.
I choose My Story.
What old stories are you telling yourself? What story would you write as you author your own life?